Flash in the Pan
A Quarterly Posting at Tiny Lights
Fear Of Passion
by Diana Kimberlin
Passion frightens me. I shy away from anything I have no control of or feel that I have no control of. But what does a person really have control over? I can steer my passions but the current of Life takes me where it deems best.
I think this fear of lack of control keeps me from being an alcoholic or a drug abuser or a dancer or a writer. I fear that if I become involved, these activities will grab my life's rudder and dash me into huge boulders. But why don't I see my destination as a pleasant cove with water so clear that the pebbles on the bottom shine as gold?
Maybe this has come about because of the dread of pain. Our son has taken us to painful places I would rather not visit. Phone calls at 1 AM, telling of police and a druggie's life style, punctuated with jail window visits, the crush of promises unfulfilled, dreams diminished in the light of his reality of life living on the edge of society. I've walled that off in a deep corner of my mind. I don't go there until the next early morning call.
My husband has taken this all and become involved in prison ministry. It does him as much, if not more, good than those he studies with. I am unable to do this. The clank of a jail cell door puts my stomach on edge, more aches in my bones, and more tears in the shower.
So how do I overcome this fear? Maybe as I approached jumping off a swimming pool diving board as a kid. Just jump! Regretting that I did the jump as I fall. Tingling with the impact with the water. Rejoicing that I survived as I clung to the rung of the ladder. Vowing never to do that again. Goading myself to try it again. Repeating the experience time and again.
It does get better with practice doesn't it?
Diana Kimberlin, a recent retiree from the local county library, lovesbeing retired and stays very busy. She was an Adult Service Reference Librarian for 10 years and before that she taught math and social studies at a private middle school. She has a husband, a 95-year-old father-in-law, and three cats in her house. She still hasn't decided what she wants to be when she grows up. Maybe a writer! Ha!
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